Flowers

I used to love flowers
even when I did not know what that word meant
I dreamt of a big garden full of them
so that they would start blooming every spring
and bring joy right alongside that
I used to love flowers, every color and variety
I dreamt of looking down from a tower and just staring at them
the beauty of nature
I used to love the buzzing of bees
and the rustling of the leaves as the evening began
I wanted to stay outside forever, just looking at the stars, the beauty of being and everything in between
I used to love flowers and their unique scents
I wandered through our garden and hoped to find meaning in the little things
the way the grass felt below my bare feet, so soft 
and the way the trees spoke to me ever so quietly
I used to admire how the world did not care for anyone or anything

Right now I feel as though the world should end.
It has no right to move on.
I made paper flowers for my room because I can’t keep real ones alive 
and even if they can never bloom they can also never die.
I need the little things even if I cannot seem to see them right now 
and I know this feeling will end, I just don’t know how…
I hate how I don’t feel joy seeing the bees
and I really hate the sound of the leaves right now.
I hate knowing how love feels like and not being able to love the flowers.
I made some of paper so that they would never die, 
but maybe that was what made them special.
And maybe I loved the flowers because I wanted to feel special in bringing them back to life.
I used to love flowers, I think I still do
and even if I can’t see it right now, I know eventually I will find a way to see it the way I used to.

late-night-thoughts

it’s late.
i guess i should go to bed.
i need to get sleep.
i think?
…
why did i need sleep again?
i can’t seem to remember.
maybe that’s why i needed sleep.
so that i could grasp reality again.
it’s so beautiful in here though.
in my mind.
thoughts of you lingering around.
it doesn’t feel like i’m awake.
…
i can feel you.
your presence is still in the air although you were never here.
i’m in my room - i think?
it feels so unfamiliar.
you feel familiar though.
and your presence.
i see the outlines of your face.
floating in midair.
you’re like a ghost.
you’re beautiful.
familiar.
you’re here.
living in my head rent-free.
…
especially at times like this.
i could call it early in the morning instead of late at night to make me feel better?
i have to get some sleep.
but i don’t want to lose you.
your face.
your form.
your presence in my heart.
…
i need to wake up tomorrow.
why?
you’re here now.
tomorrow i’m alone again.
i don’t want to be.
i should go to sleep.
but you’re the best hallucination i ever night-dreamed.
maybe i can stay awake a little longer.
just five more minutes.
please?